I Can't Decide
by Jed Rhodes
Summary: Master Doctor oneshot. M for swearing.  The Master talks to the Doctor about why he can't decide whether he should live or die...


_It's a strange thing, Doctor - what I think of you._

**It's not easy having yourself a good time**

**Greasing up those bets and betters**

**Watching out they don't four-letter**

_I mean, don't get me wrong, I hate your guts, but it's... different somehow. I've nevwer been able to let go..._

**Fuck and kiss you both at the same time**

**Smells-like something I've forgotten**

**Curled up died and now it's rotten**

_I remember on Gallifrey - oh so long ago - that we entered the TARDIS hangar bay. We left home on the same day - you with that Granddaughter of yours __me alone - by the same means - although why you went for a type fortyu I will never understand - and with the same goal in mind._

_To see that universe._

_Of course, since then, we've both changed._  
_  
_**I'm not a gangster tonight**

**Don't want to be a bad guy**

**I'm just a loner baby**

**And now you're gotten in my way**

_To begin with, the drums were just a reccuring headache, that I ignored as I rose to become a future temporal control official, or some such blah. When I got older, they were more of an - inspiration, as it were, though such a nice word can hardly be used to describe them. They told me that I could rule - but I decided to do it on my own terms, not on theirs._

_Then - well, then I lost my regenerations, didn't I? And the drums were just another of many pains. I cared more then about your death then anything else._

_Then I took that accursed Trakenite body - and it hit me just how much you mattered to me. That, without you, what purpose would I have?_

_But you were always such a stinking nuisance._

**I can't decide**

**Whether you should live or die**

**Oh, you'll probably go to heaven**

**Please don't hang your head and cry**

_What? _

_So yeah, I'm getting a little mushy, but I'm not allowed to get mushy? There's some law? No of course there isn't, I am the bloody law._

_Remember the Death Zone, when I said I'd enjoy killing you three times over? Well, it was true, you know. I would. But I can't. Don't ask me why._

**No wonder why**

**My heart feels dead inside**

**It's cold and hard and petrified**

**Lock the doors and close the blinds**

**We're going for a ride**

_Of course, then there was the whole thing in San Fran - oh how I enjoyed blowing that blasted city to rubble - and I was left alone in the vortex for quite a while..._

_Alone with the drums._

**It's a bitch convincing people to like you**

**If I stop now call me a quitter**

**If lies were cats you'd be a litter**

**Pleasing everyone isn't like you**

**Dancing jigs until I'm crippled**

**Slug ten drinks I won't get pickled**

_And in all that time, I listened to them, and I learned what they were._

**I've got to hand it to you**

**You've played by all the same rules**

**It takes the truth to fool me**

**And now you've made me angry**

_Of course, you've changed too. You blew the whole stinking lot of Time Lords to dust and cinder, and you lost a life along the way. You've - hell, you are gonna hate me for this but - you've almost turned into a good version of me._

_What am I talking about, you always were.  
_  
**I can't decide**

**Whether you should live or die**

**Oh, you'll probably go to heaven**

**Please don't hang your head and cry**

_Why am I talking to you about this, I hear you ask? Why am I going on and on?_

_Because I still can't kill you._

**No wonder why**

**My heart feels dead inside**

**It's cold and hard and petrified**

**Lock the doors and close the blinds**

**We're going for a ride**

**Oh I could throw you in the lake**

**Or feed you poisoned birthday cake**

**I wont deny I'm gonna miss you when you're gone**

_I know perfectly well you've got a plan to stop me - hell, you've probably alreadsy implemnted it, haven't you?_

_I know that you're going to win. So why oh why have I not killed you?_

**Oh I could bury you alive**

**But you might crawl out with a knife**

**And kill me when I'm sleeping**

**That's why**

_Because I can't. Because, despite everything, you have been, and always will be, my only friend. The only one who knew me before al this. The only one who can attest that - despite everything, despite the evils, despite Traken, despite - well, despite my whole life up to this point, really, I was once a good person. _

**I can't decide**

**Whether you should live or die**

**Oh, you'll probably go to heaven**

**Please don't hang your head and cry**

_But of course, I'm not anymore, am I, Doctor?_

_This world is mine. The universe is mine. I know what you're planning. I'll win. And there will be a new Gallifrey in the heavens. My Gallifrey. I only hope, when I've done it, that you appreciate it._

**No wonder why**

**My heart feels dead inside**

**It's cold and hard and petrified**

**Lock the doors and close the blinds**

**We're going for a ride**

* * *

"Well?" asked the Master, looking down at the little old man sitting in his wheelchair. "Do you have anything to say?" 

The Doctor, horribly aged, said nothing. He just sat there, staring, as the music came to a stop.

"Anything?" asked the Master.

"What can I say to you?" asked the Doctor slowly.

The Master sighed.

"I only wanted you to listen," he murmured. "So you understand why I haven't ended your life, when I could've done."

"You did it because I was your friend when we were kids?" asked the Doctor increduosly.

"Believe it or not, ether way, you've heard it," said the Master. "And that's all that matters."

He turned on his heel, and walked out of the observation room.

The Doctor stared after him for a long while.

"I forgive you," he whispered.


End file.
